Police in Uganda have reported a rise in Gender Based Violence (GBV) over the past few weeks especially in homes, coinciding with the lockdown due to COVID-19. I did not want to mention the C-word but at this time it is inevitable. Internationally as well, there have been increased cases of GBV. In the case of Uganda, women have not only been the victims, but have also been perpetrators. However, overall we know that most cases of GBV have women on the receiving end. GBV can be in many forms, including:
- Physical (e.g. beating, slapping)
- Sexual violence (e.g. rape, defilement, sexual harassment)
- Harmful traditional practices (like female genital mutilation or forced marriages)
- Emotional violence (verbal and psychological abuse)
- Economic violence (withholding resources e.g. money from somebody)
In this short piece I am focusing on violence in the home, occurring between a man and woman living together. When I was younger and clueless, I used to wonder why many women who are beaten by their partners could not just get up and leave this relationship. With age (and hopefully wisdom), I realised a few truths. Well, many truths but I shall just talk about a few for today.
- Culture: The way in which we are brought up plays a big role in our lives. It influences what we believe in and how we act. Many women in the Ugandan setting are raised to stick in the relationship through thick and thin (which is good), even at the expense of their lives (not good). Some have died in the process or unfortunately killed the partner and been jailed, leaving children as orphans
- Self-esteem and self-value: Bullies often take advantage of a person’s self-esteem. They either prey on those who find it hard to defend themselves, or they first erode all your esteem until you feel too worthless. It is therefore hard to leave a relationship when you feel you are of no value to the world and cannot do much on your own.
- Lack of economic independence. When one is mostly or fully reliant on their partner and barely earns any money, it is quite difficult to get out of a situation of GBV. There may be questions like where will I get money to pay rent, what shall I eat, etc. Of course, the situation is harder if one has children. In some cases when the woman tries to leave the violent partner, he stops paying the children’s fees, as a punishment to her or blackmail to make her return.
- There is also the argument of staying for the children so that they grow up in a “proper home” with both parents (never mind the negative effects on the sane children – that is for another day)
With these insights, I learned not to judge women suffering from GBV. I have realised that as friends, family or support persons to somebody in this situation, the following are more important:
- Be understanding: not everybody handles situations in the same way – all human beings are different.
- If they confide in you, provide a listening ear. Pay attention to what they say and instead of judging, be a source of comfort. If you cannot do so, refer them to a counselor or somebody else they can talk to. It is important for them to open up and talk and get to the bottom of the problem and come to the realization of their value on earth and who they are.
- Pray for them if you are able to do so
- Offer them a place where they can go and reflect or blow off steam in a positive way.
- The decision on what to do must come from the woman herself, if it is to last. Making a decision on somebody’s behalf does not produce lasting change (this also happens in other situations like alcohol addiction).
There are many more things I could write about this but shall do so in phases. Most importantly, I believe every woman should know that she is valuable and loved. A lot of learning about this comes from our childhood, so those raising both girls and boys, instill this in them. Let them know their talents, teach them to be confident, humble and respectful. Secondly, I am a passionate advocate of each woman having her own source of income. Even if you are a stay at home mother, you can do something there for which you are paid. By the way, earning money should not result in pride and arrogance – those are just poor manners…. whether male or female.
